I am so glad you shared this, and so sad you had to go through it. It really highlights the wrongness of the argument that ‘well if the kid WANTS to, if they seem MATURE, if they LOOK more grown-up than they are……’ No. These are things a kid’s brain just isn’t ready for. Period. They will always be violent, no matter how ‘gentle’.
this is exactly what I have been looking for since the day i was groomed and desperately tried to make sense of it. i cant even explain the feelings im feeling rn. thank you so much for writing this.
this is so powerful and such an important conversation to have. thank you for writing this. you deserve better, and i hope your future can give you what you were denied before.
I am so grateful for this account of what it feels like in a child’s mind, a child’s body, to be sexually abused when violence isn’t present. The conflict, the desire that disconnects you momentarily.
My first encounter was violent, so every encounter thereafter was terrifying for me; but even in that, there was a desire and fire in my body that I didn’t understand.
So when the next person wasn’t violent, and the next, I looked forward to our encounters. Because no one in my home was paying any attention to me at all, except to bring me harm if I got in the way.
I felt the shame of it very young. Carried it with me for a really long time.
I wrote about it in poetry, partially in code on Substack recently, simply because I was trying to make peace with it. It was the one part of all that that I still blamed myself for.
i’m glad this could bring some solace. but i’m also sorry. i understand you, experiencing a mix of both violent and non/violent abuse is so conflicting.
the thumbnail immediately reminded me of mysterious skin, had to read it, you really put those feelings into words very eloquently and simply, thank you
I... am at a loss of words. I want to thank you for bravely describing such a horrible atrocity, so ... delicately. Feelings of this magnitude, did take years of processing, a mountain of trauma, a lifetime of no doubts I'm sure.
This is a subject that needs to be known about, discussed, and real solutions created to stop this form of...consentual violation, and I use these words with unease. Often this specific point of view is... misunderstood, or simply stated for you by the conditioned narrative that most people think of when this topic emerges.
Indeed, not all molestation is violent, and this is the form that is truly the worst form of it. Because it's thought of as "no big deal" or "but it wasn't painful", despite the opposite being totally true.
I know this probably doesn't mean much, but, I'm sorry that you were assaulted with these complex feelings, thoughts, and actions at a tender, innocent age. Thank you for releasing this.... forbidden knowledge, because I know others, like myself, can chew on it, and help resolve our own buried and denied feelings and trauma.
I guess I had more to say than I thought. I'll be chewing on this for a while.
Thank you for writing this, as hard is it is to talk about and read and remember. I was also not brutally molested at that same age, but the trauma is real. And the worst part was the adults in my life did nothing.
thank you for reading. i’m sorry you can resonate, and thank you for sharing your story below. this space is always open for fellow survivors. it really breaks my heart that there’s so many of us🤍🪷
This is an invaluable perspective to hear, and so well written. I have a personal question ( about how to help my 6 yo daughter) that I would deeply appreciate your thoughts on, if you are ok with me sending you a PM. I completely understand if not, and I'm grateful to have had the chance to read your essay.
Thank you so much for this piece. You wrote this in a way I haven’t been able to write about my own yet. Thank you thank you thank you. Also, you taught me several new words haha
Thank you for writing with such honesty and clarity! Everything - from the grooming to the amnesia - is so relatable, and this experience of CSA is probably way more common than we think only people are usually too ashamed to talk about it like this.
It’s given me the courage to finish writing the piece I’ve been working on where I’m trying to grapple with some of this complexity as a survivor of father daughter incest.
absolutely! it is unfortunately so common. yet it is so rarely talked about due to the stigma. i’m so happy it’s inspired you to tackle your own perspective within this kind of situation. my abuser was my paternal grandad, so i heavily resonate with you. sending you love, and thank you for reading🩷
Absolutely well said and laid out. Bringing to light the horrors of this topic specifically that isn’t talked about enough. You are so brave, and wrote in emotion with a purpose. So so so amazing. Thank you for sharing this.
You just put the words to what I’ve been feeling for years. I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t scream or report anything, yet I’m here 10 years later still remembering everything, blaming myself. Today I still have a clear memory of those years but I can’t recall my grandmothers face or my childhood friends
I am so glad you shared this, and so sad you had to go through it. It really highlights the wrongness of the argument that ‘well if the kid WANTS to, if they seem MATURE, if they LOOK more grown-up than they are……’ No. These are things a kid’s brain just isn’t ready for. Period. They will always be violent, no matter how ‘gentle’.
absolutely!! thank you so much for reading🩷
this is exactly what I have been looking for since the day i was groomed and desperately tried to make sense of it. i cant even explain the feelings im feeling rn. thank you so much for writing this.
thank you for reading🥹🩷
this is so powerful and such an important conversation to have. thank you for writing this. you deserve better, and i hope your future can give you what you were denied before.
thank you so incredibly much🤍 and yes, it’s a topic that needs more attention, despite how scary it can be discussing it
I am so grateful for this account of what it feels like in a child’s mind, a child’s body, to be sexually abused when violence isn’t present. The conflict, the desire that disconnects you momentarily.
My first encounter was violent, so every encounter thereafter was terrifying for me; but even in that, there was a desire and fire in my body that I didn’t understand.
So when the next person wasn’t violent, and the next, I looked forward to our encounters. Because no one in my home was paying any attention to me at all, except to bring me harm if I got in the way.
I felt the shame of it very young. Carried it with me for a really long time.
I wrote about it in poetry, partially in code on Substack recently, simply because I was trying to make peace with it. It was the one part of all that that I still blamed myself for.
i’m glad this could bring some solace. but i’m also sorry. i understand you, experiencing a mix of both violent and non/violent abuse is so conflicting.
the thumbnail immediately reminded me of mysterious skin, had to read it, you really put those feelings into words very eloquently and simply, thank you
mysterious skin is my favourite movie because I relate to it so closely. I just had to put it as the thumbnail. thank you so much for reading<3
I... am at a loss of words. I want to thank you for bravely describing such a horrible atrocity, so ... delicately. Feelings of this magnitude, did take years of processing, a mountain of trauma, a lifetime of no doubts I'm sure.
This is a subject that needs to be known about, discussed, and real solutions created to stop this form of...consentual violation, and I use these words with unease. Often this specific point of view is... misunderstood, or simply stated for you by the conditioned narrative that most people think of when this topic emerges.
Indeed, not all molestation is violent, and this is the form that is truly the worst form of it. Because it's thought of as "no big deal" or "but it wasn't painful", despite the opposite being totally true.
I know this probably doesn't mean much, but, I'm sorry that you were assaulted with these complex feelings, thoughts, and actions at a tender, innocent age. Thank you for releasing this.... forbidden knowledge, because I know others, like myself, can chew on it, and help resolve our own buried and denied feelings and trauma.
I guess I had more to say than I thought. I'll be chewing on this for a while.
thank you so so much for your support🥹🩷 it truly does mean the world to me
Thank you for writing this, as hard is it is to talk about and read and remember. I was also not brutally molested at that same age, but the trauma is real. And the worst part was the adults in my life did nothing.
thank you for reading. i’m sorry you can resonate, and thank you for sharing your story below. this space is always open for fellow survivors. it really breaks my heart that there’s so many of us🤍🪷
Please let me know if this isn't the right place, but I just wanted to add my story and voice to this space for those who want to read.
https://substack.com/@camillajoy/note/p-152931205?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=1qsfe2
This is an invaluable perspective to hear, and so well written. I have a personal question ( about how to help my 6 yo daughter) that I would deeply appreciate your thoughts on, if you are ok with me sending you a PM. I completely understand if not, and I'm grateful to have had the chance to read your essay.
thank you so much for reading, it truly means the world. and absolutely, i would love to help in any way🩷
Brave and important writing. Thank you for sharing - very relatable.
‘If they do it well you don’t even realise it’s happening’: exactly.
The abuse can happen gently; the confusion, guilt and shame that comes later (for me, 40 years later) is incredibly brutal.
Healing is a slow process
thank you so much for reading and for your kindness🥹 sending you love and healing🤍🪷
Thank you so much for this piece. You wrote this in a way I haven’t been able to write about my own yet. Thank you thank you thank you. Also, you taught me several new words haha
What an incredible essay! So raw and uncomfortable. Thanks for shedding light on some of the complexities of child abuse..
thank you so much for this comment. it means the world🩷
Thank you for writing with such honesty and clarity! Everything - from the grooming to the amnesia - is so relatable, and this experience of CSA is probably way more common than we think only people are usually too ashamed to talk about it like this.
It’s given me the courage to finish writing the piece I’ve been working on where I’m trying to grapple with some of this complexity as a survivor of father daughter incest.
absolutely! it is unfortunately so common. yet it is so rarely talked about due to the stigma. i’m so happy it’s inspired you to tackle your own perspective within this kind of situation. my abuser was my paternal grandad, so i heavily resonate with you. sending you love, and thank you for reading🩷
Absolutely well said and laid out. Bringing to light the horrors of this topic specifically that isn’t talked about enough. You are so brave, and wrote in emotion with a purpose. So so so amazing. Thank you for sharing this.
thank you so much for your kindness. it means the world🩷
Absolutely, you deserve to be shown all the kindness.
this reminded me of my abuse in ways i didn’t know could be possible 🪷so beautifully written
i’m sorry that you can resonate with this. but also i’m glad it brought some solace. thank you for reading🤍
this was so, so beautiful. thank you so much for writing this <3
You just put the words to what I’ve been feeling for years. I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t scream or report anything, yet I’m here 10 years later still remembering everything, blaming myself. Today I still have a clear memory of those years but I can’t recall my grandmothers face or my childhood friends
thank you for this comment. i’m sending you so much love and strength🩵🦋